Chapter 10

[A story from haveyouseenthisgirl.blog]

I was ready to hear his explanation. I’ve been wanting to hear this for a year already. Pero minsan may mga bagay na lang na mas gugustuhin mo na lang hindi malaman para lang maiwasan mong hindi na lang madisappoint sa katotohanan. 

“My parents wanted me to break up with you and marry Melody. If I go against them, they will disown me and I’ll be left with nothing.” 

Pagkatapos malaman ang tungkol sa kanila ni Melody, nagkaroon na ako ng hinala na baka ‘yon nga talaga ang dahilan niya pero iba pa rin pala talaga kapag narinig ko mismo ito sa bibig niya. 

“At pumayag ka naman agad sa gusto nila? Hindi mo man lang ba ako pinaglaban o kaya man lang sana sinabi ito sa akin noon pa? Hindi mo man lang ako binigyan ng pagkakataon para kunin ang opinyon ko sa mga pangyayari. Para bang basta mo na lang din ako pinaalis ng walang kalaban laban.”

Yumuko siya habang umiiyak. “Sobrang natakot lang talaga ako at litong lito. I didn’t know what to do. I’m so sorry, Sai.”

“So . . . what’s the point of telling me all of this now, Cedric?”

Ibinalik niya ang tingin niya sa akin, hindi pa rin tumitigil ang pagpatak ng mga luha niya. “I still love you, Sai. No matter how much I try, I can’t forget you. I want to be with you again. I miss you so much.”

I wanted to cry, but I stopped myself and smiled bitterly instead. “So, pipiliin mo ba ako this time? Ipaglalaban mo ba ako ngayon sa mga magulang mo?”

Hindi siya umimik, natawa ako. ‘Napilitan siyang iwan ako kahit mahal niya pa rin ako. Anong gagawin ko sa pagmamahal niya kung hindi rin naman niya ako kayang ipaglaban? Kung sa huli, hindi pa rin ako ang kanyang pipiliin?’

“Sinasabi mo ba ang mga ito sa akin dahil gusto mong bumalik ako sa ’yo? Para ano? Para maging pangalawang babae mo? Kasi hindi mo naman bibitawan ang engagement mo kay Melody ‘di ba? Kasi takot ka sa mga magulang mo?”

“Sai, no. It’s not like that.” He reached out to hold my hand but I avoided him.

“Then what? Will you break the engagement with Melody? Will you let your parents know that I’m the one you love? Will you have the guts to choose me over anything else? Kasi Cedric, kung kaya mo ‘yon, babalik ako sa ’yo.” 

Handa akong kalimutan lahat ng nangyari at patawarin siya. Handa akong bitawan na ang lahat at bumalik sa kanya kung kaya niya rin gawin iyon para sa akin. 

“I’m so sorry, Sai . . . ” Niyakap niya ako bigla at sinubukan kong makaalis sa yakap niya but he was too strong for me. 

“Ano ba, Cedric! Can you please let go of me!”

Mas hinigpitan niya pa ang yakap niya. “Gusto kong bitawan ang lahat Sai, pero sobrang natatakot ako. All I can really do now is love you. I feel like a big loser, a fucking coward. I’m sorry. I’m so lost, I don’t know what to do.”

“Do you know how emotionally tiring it is to always wonder what you are to someone? I don’t want your love, Cedric.”

Naramdaman kong lumuwag ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin when I said that and he went quiet. I thought he’ll finally let me out of the car but I was caught off guard when he suddenly pulled me closer, his hand at the back of my head, and kissed me. I placed my hands on his chest in an attempt to push him and break off from the kiss, but I lost the strength to do it. I stopped resisting and ended up kissing him back. Our mouths danced through the moment, going slowly then aggressively. It was a battle that both of us didn’t want to lose. He pulled the back of my head to deepen the kiss and I found myself entangling my fingers through his hair. I was feeling intoxicated as we shared that sinful kiss. I wasn’t sure if it was just the taste of alcohol from his mouth or that my heart craved it so much.

Alam ko deep down my heart that no matter how hurt I am or how much I try to be strong, I always wanted this. I always wanted him back. I’m so close to giving in and just become his second woman if that’s what it costs my happiness. 

I felt hot tears rolling down my cheeks. It was like a dream I didn’t want to end but a familiar ringtone got me back to reality. It was my phone. I successfully pushed Cedric away to get it in my pocket while I also tried to catch my breath. 

It was Brian, my wake up call. 

Hindi ko ito sinagot. Pumikit ako saglit at huminga ng malalim. Pinadaan ko ang aking mga daliri sa aking buhok upang subukang ayusin ito. Minulat ko ulit ang aking mga mata.

“Alam mo Cedric, before all this, I thought hearing you say you still love me will be enough to make me really happy and go back to you. Pero I’m really disappointed, I just realized na I have loved you more than you love me.”

“Sai, what are you —” 

I cut him off and continued, “I don’t really want to hear anymore of your confessions or reasons or whatever. I don’t need words without actions, Cedric. But that’s fine, I understand na hindi mo kayang i-give up ang lahat para lang sa akin. We’re talking about your future here, what is a mere student able to do if you get disowned by your parents? Laki kang mayaman at sanay ka with all the luxuries you were born with, you simply can’t throw it away for love. You’ll suffer from poverty. It’s just being practical, it’s reality. Love can’t feed us. Love can’t buy us the things we want. Your love will turn into hate if you live a life in desperation with me. I understand if you won’t choose me, but I beg you to stop hurting me. Huwag mo na akong guluhin, let’s live our own separate lives and move on. Tama na.”

I held the door handle and begged him one last time, “Paki bukas.”

I heard a clicking sound and I was finally able to open the door, leave his car and ran back to my room with a heavy heart. I was crying like I’ve never cried before. It was a challenge to find my way in the dark hallways with tears blurring my eyes. I was almost near my room but my clumsy self hit the table in the hallway. Buti na lang, nasalo ko kaagad ang plant na nakapatong dito bago pa man ito mag-land sa sahig at mabasag. Nanatili ako sa pagkakaupo sa sahig, niyakap ko ang vase ng halaman na hawak hawak ko at nagpatuloy sa pag iyak. The silence of the night made me cover my mouth to stop myself from crying louder and not let anyone hear my tired and wounded heart. 

The door beside me suddenly opened and I heard him call my name. 

“Sai? Ikaw ba ‘yan?”

Another thing I realized that night was that there will always be someone who will love you more than you do and always, always choose that person over someone who will love you less.

[A story from haveyouseenthisgirl.blog]

Lie About Love

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